What really hurts..

“the things that hurt the most
aren’t the things you would expect to hurt
it’s not waking up in the middle of the night to touch you and realizing you’re not there and shaking until my bones break
it’s not crying myself to sleep and drowning in my own tears because your voice won’t get out of my head
it’s not collapsing on the ground in shallow breaths and a head spilling over with memories of you because I’m being choked by your absence and how much I miss you
those things hurt too, of course
but the things that really fucking kill are the little things
like the list of things in my head that I can’t wait to tell you later but I know they will stay locked in my chest, piling up and never come tumbling out of my mouth like they used to
and it’s listening to one radio station the whole car ride without your fingers hitting all the buttons and the static between each station until you find a song you can sing along to. It’s the way dust is quietly settling on top of all my things because you used to clean everything all the time, you couldn’t stand messes.
It’s the few tangles in my hair when I wake up because I’ve been tossing and turning in my sleep more than I ever did when you loved me. 
It’s the slight crack in my voice on the rare occasions that you call because I’m not really sure how to talk to you anymore.”

Will this love ever end?

Here I am one more time, writing about you. Here I am thinking about you. Thinking about how good it felt to be kissed and hold in your arms. I still rememeber every damn second I spent with you as if it was yesterday. The more I try to forget about you and about us, the more I capture myself falling for you over and over again. Tell me what it is about you that holds me back. What is it? What is so special about you ? You lied to me and fooled me. I am sure that you still lie to me. But what if I am wrong? What if you tell me the whole truth those last past days? What if you really care about? Yeah.. but what if not?! I don't want you to hurt me like you did but I have to admit that it kills me to be without you. You are not perfect, neither am I. Today I am missing you like crazy and this love is burning me down. Save me.

4th anniversary

I don't know how I should feel today. Everything is going wrong but I don't want to give up and byside this today is also, or would be, our fourth anniversary. I admite that I'm not feeling quiet good but I won't write a depressive text saying how broken I should be bc we are apart, instead I write about all the amazing things that come to my mind on this day. I can still feel the excitement I felt 4 years ago when I was sitting at school waiting to meet you. I knew that something was different, special, on that 11th november 2010 and for me it was the most special day of my life. I can still feel your hand holding mine on that cold rainy day. At that time I never thought that we would come so far because we were like day/night, we were so different but that's what made us so strong. It would be our 4th anniversary and I can't understand why we gave up. We should have fought for what we had and still have. Yesterday I walked the same way we had walked 3 years ago for our first anniversary. It was such a great night. It was the first time I had dinner at your house with your parents and that made me realize how our relationship was becoming serious. When I walked throw those streets I remembered every reason that made me fall in love with you. I realized that our breakup was mostly caused by others and that we should had ignore all the bad influence. You can't deny that we are perfect for one another but maybe right now is just the wrong time. You must know that I don't regret anything I lived with you. I spend the most stressful time of my life with you and you were always there when I needed you, you gave me the strength I needed. This day will remind me of you, every year over again. We had a real love and and I am sure there is still love left. You can't ignore the fact that you can't go a day without thinking about me. The 11th november will always be our day! 4 years aren't nothing. I should have asked you to be my nothing because that's the only thing that lasts forever. 

Anyway, I miss and love you. Happy 4th Anniversary my endless love. 

Real love doesn't go away

Everybody talks about how you will get over someone after a breakup and how you will forget and find someone better or even the right one. But what if it doesn't get away? What if you don't forget? Why doesn't someone speak about what happens when you find the right one but lose them? Sometimes it isn't that simple and you can't just move on no matter how hard you try. People can't keep saying that you will find someone better everytime you lose someonebecause at a point you lost the best and then it won't get better. And it's not alright to think that  because a person lost the right one that this person will be sad all the time. They won't!  You will continue you live, have fun, meet new people, smile and maybe love but something inside you heart will stay broken and you will never be able to love the way you loved that particular person. People have to learn that not everything heals and that there are things that you don't get over. Never. You might 'love' someone and give them a chance to love you but it won't be that love that takes your breath away. You know exactly that it is not real. It is not the real endless love you once felt. That's what some of you should remember before they say to someone that they have to move on and that it will go away. Some of us lose the right one but they don't stop living. You love that person everyday but you don't give up living your own life. Things are not like everybody wants them to be. Only a few people really know what love feels like and that's the most precisous gift in the world. Accept that some of us find their soul mate but something tears them apart. 

Real love still existes in a few hears. 

C.

I won't I won'tIn the past 5 years I have learned so much. How to live without anyone around me. How to smile even when I am at the end of my motivation. How to get over what seems to never become better. But the most important thing I've learned is that I can not trust anyone, not even those you call your family because sometimes those are the worst. I used to think that family was the essence of life but I realized that the only family I had has fallen apart the day you left me. Or maybe we were already broken since dad became ill. I don't know. I learned that you were my only family and that all the others were only there to tear us downbc you were born into a family who doesn't want you to live a better life than the one they are living. They never supported you when you needed someone instead they only made you feel worse and critized you for every choice you took for yourself. The sad part is that they destroyed you because after a while you couln't handle all that bullshit alone and you just gave up. They took you from me. And they are trying to do the same thing with me but I am a lot stronger than you were. I had to be that strong because at the end of the day I just had myself. I won't let anyone tear with I am fithubg for apart. Maybe I became cold but that's the only way I can survive this alone. I won't trust anyone and I will reach my goals without needing someone because that's what destroies us, to need someone. You were amazing and I am so thankful to call you my mother. I am missing you every day but I will get throw all these bullshit. 

You

You. You showed me that every end is also a new beginning and that losing something isn't always bad. To be completely honest with you, I never thought that you could ever mean so much to me and I just want to thank you for being who you are. You are such a good friend to me and I can trust you with my entire life. Believe me when I say that you are an amazing person and I which you could see you the way I see you. Thank you for all the moments and conversations. For my best friend. 

Hands

“My friend once told me 
she liked this guy because of his hands
And I found it absurd that anyone 
would develop feelings over one feature, 
and not care about the rest. 

It wasn’t until you used your hands 
to cup the back of my neck the first time we kissed 
and I could feel your firm grasp pull me closer, 
and my insides exploded
and my head buzzed with bliss.

And the first night you slept over, 
you fell asleep with your hand 
laid over my stomach 
and your fingers felt like a fire 
that I didn’t mind burning my skin.

The first time we got drunk, 
was the first time you played with my hair, 
and my god I was hooked, 
I’d drink forever if it meant you’d never stop.

And in public you’d hold my hand, 
and rub your thumb in little circles 
that left me wanting you more, 
no matter what you would never let me go, 
I was glued to you, 
and I honestly didn’t mind

When we talked about breaking up, 
you saw my lips quiver with fear, 
and you brushed over my lips with your fingers
before pulling me into your lap 
and you kissed me like never before. 
With your hands on my hips 
pulling me so close to you, 
leaving no space in between us. 
It was then I realized I never wanted you to go.

Its now that, 
I finally understand why hands 
were the only feature that mattered”

Breathless

I thought I was over you and I could forget everything we had but yesterday I realized that there is nothing I can change about my endless love for you. Maybe it was because I saw how you looked at me or because you touched me the way you used to. I shouldn't be thinking about you and I neither should let you hurt me. We had 4 entire years together. Who can you just forget such a long time and how can you replace me just like it was the most easy thing in the world? I miss feeling your love.. I can't get over it, not now. I just wanted you to be real but all you did was messing up with me. I said you should find someone who is perfect for you but it destroys me because I gave you my everything to be perfect for you but it wasn't enough. It was never enough. I miss you!

Long time ago

2 years ago

It has been a while since the last time I wrote something on my blog but today I felt the need to write. To write to you. When I read all this posts of the past 4 years I realize how much has changed. After all these bad moments we had, we found back together and had better times, but right now I'm sitting here and you are gone. This time for real. There is no going back because you made the choice to go your way without me. It was our choice but the difference is that I still think about you and your already have the attention of another one. I will not say that is a bad thing, it's your good right to have someone new in your life but it's hard to see you being happy without me and saying all the things you used to tell me to another one. I could say that I would fight for you but it is not true. I don't want to fight anymore. Not with you neither for you. I don't regret anything I had with you, no fight or kiss, because you were the best thing that ever happened to me. You were the one who saved me from the darkness I was in and I am so thankful for that. I could write a whole book about how much I love you or how much I miss you but that won't bring you back to me. I just want you to never forget about us. We were special. My endless love