What really hurts..

“the things that hurt the most
aren’t the things you would expect to hurt
it’s not waking up in the middle of the night to touch you and realizing you’re not there and shaking until my bones break
it’s not crying myself to sleep and drowning in my own tears because your voice won’t get out of my head
it’s not collapsing on the ground in shallow breaths and a head spilling over with memories of you because I’m being choked by your absence and how much I miss you
those things hurt too, of course
but the things that really fucking kill are the little things
like the list of things in my head that I can’t wait to tell you later but I know they will stay locked in my chest, piling up and never come tumbling out of my mouth like they used to
and it’s listening to one radio station the whole car ride without your fingers hitting all the buttons and the static between each station until you find a song you can sing along to. It’s the way dust is quietly settling on top of all my things because you used to clean everything all the time, you couldn’t stand messes.
It’s the few tangles in my hair when I wake up because I’ve been tossing and turning in my sleep more than I ever did when you loved me. 
It’s the slight crack in my voice on the rare occasions that you call because I’m not really sure how to talk to you anymore.”

Will this love ever end?

Here I am one more time, writing about you. Here I am thinking about you. Thinking about how good it felt to be kissed and hold in your arms. I still rememeber every damn second I spent with you as if it was yesterday. The more I try to forget about you and about us, the more I capture myself falling for you over and over again. Tell me what it is about you that holds me back. What is it? What is so special about you ? You lied to me and fooled me. I am sure that you still lie to me. But what if I am wrong? What if you tell me the whole truth those last past days? What if you really care about? Yeah.. but what if not?! I don't want you to hurt me like you did but I have to admit that it kills me to be without you. You are not perfect, neither am I. Today I am missing you like crazy and this love is burning me down. Save me.

4th anniversary

I don't know how I should feel today. Everything is going wrong but I don't want to give up and byside this today is also, or would be, our fourth anniversary. I admite that I'm not feeling quiet good but I won't write a depressive text saying how broken I should be bc we are apart, instead I write about all the amazing things that come to my mind on this day. I can still feel the excitement I felt 4 years ago when I was sitting at school waiting to meet you. I knew that something was different, special, on that 11th november 2010 and for me it was the most special day of my life. I can still feel your hand holding mine on that cold rainy day. At that time I never thought that we would come so far because we were like day/night, we were so different but that's what made us so strong. It would be our 4th anniversary and I can't understand why we gave up. We should have fought for what we had and still have. Yesterday I walked the same way we had walked 3 years ago for our first anniversary. It was such a great night. It was the first time I had dinner at your house with your parents and that made me realize how our relationship was becoming serious. When I walked throw those streets I remembered every reason that made me fall in love with you. I realized that our breakup was mostly caused by others and that we should had ignore all the bad influence. You can't deny that we are perfect for one another but maybe right now is just the wrong time. You must know that I don't regret anything I lived with you. I spend the most stressful time of my life with you and you were always there when I needed you, you gave me the strength I needed. This day will remind me of you, every year over again. We had a real love and and I am sure there is still love left. You can't ignore the fact that you can't go a day without thinking about me. The 11th november will always be our day! 4 years aren't nothing. I should have asked you to be my nothing because that's the only thing that lasts forever. 

Anyway, I miss and love you. Happy 4th Anniversary my endless love. 

Real love doesn't go away

Everybody talks about how you will get over someone after a breakup and how you will forget and find someone better or even the right one. But what if it doesn't get away? What if you don't forget? Why doesn't someone speak about what happens when you find the right one but lose them? Sometimes it isn't that simple and you can't just move on no matter how hard you try. People can't keep saying that you will find someone better everytime you lose someonebecause at a point you lost the best and then it won't get better. And it's not alright to think that  because a person lost the right one that this person will be sad all the time. They won't!  You will continue you live, have fun, meet new people, smile and maybe love but something inside you heart will stay broken and you will never be able to love the way you loved that particular person. People have to learn that not everything heals and that there are things that you don't get over. Never. You might 'love' someone and give them a chance to love you but it won't be that love that takes your breath away. You know exactly that it is not real. It is not the real endless love you once felt. That's what some of you should remember before they say to someone that they have to move on and that it will go away. Some of us lose the right one but they don't stop living. You love that person everyday but you don't give up living your own life. Things are not like everybody wants them to be. Only a few people really know what love feels like and that's the most precisous gift in the world. Accept that some of us find their soul mate but something tears them apart. 

Real love still existes in a few hears. 

C.